LEFT; HELEN KELLER TROPHY WINNER DAVE MYERS ------- RIGHT; PROTESTING WOMEN

WHIMSICAL AWARD DRAWS IRE

Every year the Players' Union selects a A.P.A. player to win the Helen Keller Trophy. The award goes to the player who has underachieved, or the player who has "played as though he is blind and deaf". This year the winner was Dave Myers. "It's just a silly award that goes to the guy who is having a tough season," stated A.P.A pro Doug Wells.

But about fifty women assembled outside the Players' Union headquarters to protest. Said protestor Tina Barton, "We admire the legacy of Helen Keller. All women have hurdles to face but Helen Keller was a woman who had other terrible adversities to overcome too, and she overcame them. She is not a joke."

Top A.P.A. player Scorpion Caine has a different opinion. "Keller was blind and deaf," stated Caine. "Even if she were alive today she wouldn't be able to see or hear anything about the trophy. The only way she could have learned of the trophy is by some trick way of communication that only a few people would know. So if someone had told her about the trophy and she were offended, whose fault would it be? I'll tell you the problem. These days women have so many conveniences to make their lives easy they no longer have to stay at home to cook and do housework. It gives them time to protest harmless little awards. They are the ones who should be ashamed, not us."




ESKIMOS MIGHT START RIVAL LEAGUE


Taking a page from the Saudis and LIV golf, the Tlingit indigenous tribe of Alaska may start a pitchball league. Big Hootowl, the tribe chief, stated that the Tlingit are considering sponsoring a pitchball league that if approved by the tribe council, would begin operations in 2024. "We have not thought it completely through yet," Hootowl admitted. "Right now it's in its pre-planning stage."

"We Eskimos are into sports," said Hootowl, He then smiled and added. "And yeah, it's okay to call us 'Eskimos'. We think it's a hell of a lot better than 'ice people', 'Inuit', or 'Arctic Indians'."


GARTOOM TESTS POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS


The World Pitchball Association proved today that it too exists in the real world as top pro pitchballer Joey "The Snake" Gartoom tested positive for anabolic steroids. At first Gartoom stated that he had been "tricked" and that an unknown fellow pitchballer had laced his food with steroids. But after intense questioning Gartoom admitted that he had been using steroids in hopes of gaining a competitive advantage. "People don't realize how physically demanding pro pitchball is," stated a downtrodden Gartoom. "I was just trying to stay in the game."

Ironically A.P.A. commissioner Ike Watkins announced that Gartoom will be banned for life. In a prepared statement, the commissioner said," We aren't about to treat steroids users with leniency, like other pro sports. One confirmed positive test and they're gone."



NEOM SIGNS HEFTY CONTRACT


On April 4th John Neom signed contracts with both Trojan condoms and a few hours later, inked an agreement with Jiffy Lube. Both deals were said to be "highly lucrative". Neom's agent Gary Murberg said that the two commitments indicated just how popular top pitchball stars have become. If that weren't enough, Randy McVee, coming off his recent impressive play, signed a contract to represent Smucker's, known primarily for their fruit jellies. Said Smucker's Chairman Tom Rhodes, "Pitchball is coming on fast and we like Mr. McVee as a representative of our products. A.P.A. stars are becoming very popular and quite frankly, we want in on the action."


XAVIER PUBLISHING ANNOUNCES MONTHLY PITCHBALL PUBLICATION


Max Brimwell, owner of Xavier Publishing, today made it official, he will be publishing a magazine dedicated to the sport of pitchball. The magazine will be called Pitchball Illustrated and will first hit the newstands in September. The publishing company is known for such periodicals as Jugs, Slot Car Weekly, and Leaf Watchers Digest, to name three.

Said Brimwell, "Pitchball is the coming sport. The time is right to gather a faithful readership before other magazines get in on the action of this growing sport."



MILLER MOVES INTO ROOKIE OF THE YEAR CONTENTION


Pitchball newcomer Doug Miller moved in to Rookie Of The Year contention with his fine showing at the Jerry Mathers/Hotpoint Open. "What can I say, I was great," stated Miller with his typical candor.

John Neom, who leads the A.P.A. in total wins this year, was impressed with Miller. "He nailed some tough targets," said Neom. "And he had the crowd behind him too. That always helps."


A.P.A. BANQUET A HUGE SUCCESS


The A.P.A.'s banquet and awards ceremony, held at the Los Angeles Hilton, was a tremendous success with over four hundred in attendance. Jerry Seinfeld was the evening's emcee. Jake Jordan was named Rookie of the Year and John Neom was named Player of the Year in a razor-thin vote over Scorpion Caine. Perhaps the evening's most memorable moment was when pro pitchballer Tom Addison gave an emotional speech on how pitchball forced him off drugs and changed his life. A teary-eyed Addison said, "I was into blow, sweet lady-H, crack, goofballs, black beauties, meth, dex, weed, LSD, peyote, valium, mushrooms, PCP, ecstasy, and glue. Except for the occasional six-pack of Schoenling beer I'm clean now, thanks to pitchball."







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The beautiful Trudy Cistlip and one-time champ Alex Kays, displaying their wedding rings

ALEX KAYS WEDS



Finally some good luck came to the 2016 Liquid Plumber/Mile High tournament winner Alex Kays. His long time ladyfriend the former Trudy Cistlip consented to be his wife. Kays has had a number of physical problems over the last two seasons preventing him from playing at his best, when he has been able to play at all. First came an onset of pubic lice that Kays says he contracted from a toilet seat during a tournament while visiting a portable lavatory on the course. Then chronic sphincter failure syndrome put Kays out of action. Finally came a devastating case of groinal fungus which required continual treatments of antifungal creams. But with his new marriage, Kays may be back in the winner's circle in no time. The new Ms. Kays has had her own athletic achievements, once setting a record by biting off the neck of 10 glass beer bottles in 30 seconds.

Oddly, though Alex invited some twenty fellow pro pitchballers, all had prior commitments the day of the wedding. Said a smiling Kays, "Frankly I think some of those guys are jealous. It's not every guy who finds an enchantress."

TREADWELL TO BE DISCIPLINED

Longtime A.P.A pitchball professional Del Treadwell will be absent from two tournaments as discipline for being caught in the act of "self-gratification" behind some bushes during a rain delay during the Buddy Hackett Classic May 30th. Said Treadwell, "I would have had a broad with me in those bushes but after all, it was raining." Though soaken wet, Treadwell had a change of clothes. He could not finish the tournament due to a groin pull.

Left to Right; Lola Sweetbeaver, Trudy LaFetish, Tra-La Heeter, Heather DePube

Questions? Email us at Mike_Yike@Yahoo.com (not a link)